7 Ways to Solve Relationship Problems after Baby

Can We Really Have it All?

As Sarah Jessica Parker tours the UK, promoting her new film, “I don’t know how she does it”, many people are relating to a busy life filled with guilt as we sacrifice family time for friends time, and friends time for work time. In a world where ambition is rife, and we are now all too aware that there’s only one chance at this life that has been thrusted upon us, career women and men are finding new ways to pack as much as possible into everyday in a bid to have the most perfect existence.
Yet, as we race around chatting hands free from the car, answering emails as we feed the baby, and trying not to think about deadlines whilst on a rollercoaster at Alton Towers, how many of us actually have the balance right.
We collapse exhausted into bed on an evening only to wake six hours later and repeat the pattern, and as a career mum myself, I’m often quoted for a saying in a press interview,
“I'm a self-confessed workaholic, I spend my days finding the balance, yet never losing sight of that dream. And never losing sight of the reason I'm chasing it.”
However, I must admit that half of this statement is a lie. Like many others I forget to communicate properly, (I’m a Hound, Coachdog, Terrier), and this isn’t just in business. We all take for granted our personal lives at time to time, we forget to unwind, and we expect others to realise just why we work so hard when all they really want is a bit of uninterrupted us. Of course, we do it to be good role models, as an eleven year old once said to me,
“You’re a mum, why are you working, you could go on the dole and get a four bedroomed house, and don’t you know you don’t have to work if you have kids? I’m going to have a baby as soon as I’m sixteen.”
This made me feel sorry for the life she was planning for herself, but also made me feel more determined to teach my children that you get out of life what you put in, and to reap the rewards you need to work hard ploughing the field!
If you’re finding it hard to keep the balance, try the tips below:
Let Go of the Guilt
Of course it’s easier said than done. We’re all so busy guilt is one thing we can indulge in on the go, yet that is exactly what is it. Self-indulgence. Don’t believe me? Who else does guilt benefit? What does it achieve? Can you share it? Does feeling it solve the problem? Guilt is our way of psychologically self-harming ourselves, as we think we deserve to be punished for either not visiting our parents as often as we should, being late for the school play, forgetting to pick up hubby’s dry cleaning for his meeting, or nipping to McDonalds instead of cooking a healthy nutritious meal. By making that first step and nipping it in the bud when it starts, you’re already half way there. Coachdogs are especially prone to this as they worry about everyone else and not themselves. Take a few pointers from a Mastiff and follow their lead.
Have a Cut-Off Point
Nine hours a day is enough work even for the Prime Minister. You may be chasing that promotion and have times when nine hours aren’t enough, but the rest of the working week, have a cut-off point. If family and friends know your landline number, leave your mobile in a drawer so you’re not tempted to check emails. The office won’t self-combust if you stop work at six and don’t answer until 8am. Set out your working hours, and then stick to them, come rain or shine. Hounds and Terriers may find it especially difficult to do this, so employ someone as your manager of media in the household. Retriever or Guard Dog would be fabulous.
Be Organised
Having rotas, diaries, lists and great storage can seem like a bore, but once you are on top of everything you will save oodles of time and everyone will know their role. Each tedious job will decrease in time day to day as you become so adept you can execute them in your sleep. The great advantage of a rota is it means you can employ the family to help, even walking the dog or clearing the table can make time for more pleasurable activities. If you really are hopeless at organisation, find a close one who leans strongly towards sheepdog and ask for help.
Have Some Me Time
I know what you’re thinking, you are finding it hard enough making time for everyone else, so me time is completely selfish, however, it’s not. Working so hard you need to invest in yourself, and you will be benefitting everyone else by taking a little time out for a candlelit bubble bath or an hour at the gym, by emerging a much more relaxed person ready to face the day. If you’re stuck for ideas, ask a Hound.
Unwind
A lot of people find it difficult to leave work at the office when they finish the day, so making sure you have a ritual that helps clear your mind ready for an evening with your loved ones will ensure they get you at your best with your attention focused solely on them. For me, I cook, whilst making the family a meal I feel as though I’m fulfilling my role as a Coachdog mum whilst unwinding over the preparation, chopping and cooking of food. It can be anything however, watch your favourite soap, have a bath, go for a jog, walk the dog, do a little gardening or read a good book. Thirty minutes is all it takes, and you can combine it with the tip above.
Don’t Waste Family Time
A little contradictory to the point above, but once you’ve had your thirty minutes unwinding, try not to waste the rest of the evening cleaning and ironing, especially if you have children. It’s all so easy to carrier on like a Duracell bunny believing that this really is family time as you’re making sure everyone is cared for. However, no matter how old the children, they don’t care if they have matching socks, all they care about is time with you. So stick a movie on, make sure you eat dinner around the table so you can chat about their day, play a game, get them to join in with the cooking, or quite simply reach for your Packtypes Life cards, play the game and have some fun as you open up conversations and get to the root of any troubles they may be experiencing at school.
Remember Your Partner
Yourself aside, it’s easy to put your partner at the bottom of the list when it comes to your time. They are grown adults and can handle the lack of you better than the children can, yet without them the children wouldn’t exist and you wouldn’t have that extra pair of hands whether it’s to do the school run, fix the car, garden, or if like me you’re super dooper lucky, be an absolute domestic god and see to the ironing and cleaning. Yet our partners need us, as it’s all too simple in longer relationships to take each other for granted and begin passing each other like ships in the night. If weekly is too much, try having a date night fortnightly? Make sure the children are in bed, and make time just for you. TV off, phones in the drawer, have a chat, a meal, a glass of wine, and remember why you fell in love. To help you remember, once again, Packtypes life will help. Packtype each other as you saw each other when you both first met, then packtype each other for here and now. Compare the differences, as there will be some, and have a good chat about what’s changed and what you would like to recapture. If you’re single, Packtype your ideal partner, and relish the thought of having DOUBLE me time!
I could quite simply go on forever with these tips, so come back again for more once you’ve tried all of the above, for now I must dash as I’ve football boots to buy on the way to a meeting about words!
When I return, I promise, I’ll have another read through and try to practice what I preach!

Yesterday I highlighted the many different stresses that can contribute to an unhappy relationship/marriage after the birth of a baby. Today I’d like to give some pointers on how to rectify these challenges. Of course if your relationship was in trouble before the labour pains began then you may need a little more work than these few simple tips, however, if you were so in love you couldn’t bear to ever think of separating, and now all you do is bicker, then these pointers may just get you back to where you used to be.
1) Defined Roles – I mentioned that not having defined roles can cause friction in a relationship. Maybe the mother is at home, the husband at work, but he expects the house to be spick and span when he returns, maybe neither of you feel like the other is pulling their weight. Some days, looking after a baby is easy, others you may be pacing the floor for hours trying to expel that elusive burp! At the risk of turning into your mother, a rota system is needed here. A not so long discussion on who should be expected to do what and when. Also the worker needs to understand that gone are the days when they finished work, had a few pints and returned home to a take away and a night in front of the TV. With a new-born, there’s ALWAYS work to be done, and it needs to be shared 50/50.
2) Housework – The house won’t be ultra clean, boxer shorts won’t be ironed and cupboards won’t be as organised as they once were, but in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? And if it bothers you that much, get a cleaner, (or sweet talk your mum).
3) Sex – Although you may not feel like it, you do have to give yourself a kick up the bum on this one. It may seem like so much hard work to muster the effort, but I do promise, once that effort is made, you will feel so much better, and so much more together. If you can try fitting it in earlier in the day when you’re both much less tired. You may not have hours to spare, but ten minutes will do you the world of good. If it is completely out of the question for whatever reason, make time to hold hands, cuddle, or even a stroke as you pass each other in the kitchen.
4) Family Relationships- Yes they change, and yes family and indeed friends will have lots and lots of advice on the right way to bring up a child. The trouble is, there is no right way. There may be plenty of handbooks, but no two couples are completely alike in their views on what is best for baby. Remember this, this is your child that you are bringing up your way and passing on your love, wisdom and morals to. Others are free to give advice, just like you are free to take it or leave it. In the world of mother in laws (as mentioned, my hubby bristles when my mum tells him he’s doing something wrong), stand firm together, support each other, your loyalty will reap the best rewards.
5) Sleep – Express Express Express. As soon as you can. Even just one night’s sleep a week will make you feel better, or even the thought of knowing that you could if you wanted to. Whether he’s working or not, the odd night won’t kill him, it hasn’t killed you!
6) Communication – So you don’t have time to have those lengthy chats anymore? Think again. How about when one’s cooking dinner? Baby will be happy on a shoulder being winded as you both unburden yourselves. Or even turning the TV off when baby finally goes to sleep at night? If you’re worried about being interrupted at a crucial moment, write a letter, send an email and make a promise to talk about it when you’re both home. The beauty of babies is, they have absolutely no idea what mummy and daddy are discussing. (Unless it’s an argument, save that for the garden).
7) Social Life – It may seem like you’ll never have a social life again, but this phase doesn’t last forever. Soon enough babies will be sitting up, eating solids and happy to spend the night at Grandmas and you’ll be happy to leave her. Just hang on in there, and if you can’t get out to party, invite the party to you!